Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Good/Bad News

I have been accepted into the Nursing Program. I am excited, nervous, anxious, all of those normal things that come with something so life changing. I hope and pray that I am up for the challenge. It is not going to be easy financially. I will have to work Part Time, which means I am going to loose my benefits including Health Insurance, which also means that naturally my checks are going to be cut in half. This scares me I have no idea what we are going to do; Ben can not be with out Health Insurance. My husband is trying to find a job that has benefits, but lets face the facts, he has been trying to a good job for the last four years now with out any luck; so I am being completely honest when I saw that I am stressed to the max right now. I know that if this is what God wants me to do than everything will work itself out. I just hate not knowing what is going to happen. I want to go to be a nurse not only because it is a dream of mine, but because I know that I would be able to provide a good life for Ben. I want to be able to give him everything that my parents were able to give me. If I can't do this program, I can't see myself ever being able to provide for him the way my parents did for me. Being an adult is extremely frustrating at times... I find myself bursting into tears a lot lately. I hate feeling so weak, that I am letting such mundane things take control of my life. I wish I was stronger. Everyone is always telling me that I am strong person, because of how much I have already gotten through. The truth is, I am not as strong as everyone makes me seem to be. How could I be when I let all these stupid little things completely take over my life? I pray that God helps me to not be so vulnerable. I want to be that girl who see's a challenge or an obstacle and walks right through it with her head held high, instead of running away like a scared little girl who ends up feeling sorry for herself. I am not going to get any where in life with that kind of attitude! Ridiculous how I know all this; but yet here I sit with a box of tissue's to my left, and a stack of Oreo's to my right.... ::sigh::

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Um long time no post...

Geeze I can not believe that is has been nine months since I have posted a new blog... My only excuse is that being a new mommy is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. Not to mention some pretty difficult things happened after Ben was born... I went into to a deep depression and cut myself off from the world. Probably not the best thing to do, but I thought that it was going to help me. I feel like I am starting to get back to my normal self now... I know I still have a little ways to go until I can say that I am fully myself again, but I feel like starting my blog back up is a step in the right direction. So how do you sum up 9 months. Well lets start with Ben... Ben is amazing; he is the joy of my life. I seriously don't know how I ever lived with out him! He is growing so fast, everyday he seems to change and grow. He just recently got his first tooth! I didn't think he could get any cuter but I was wrong when he smiles now and I see that little tooth it just makes my day. It is SO darn cute! He is so mobile now, he wants to walk so bad. So of course he is a little dare devil and falls a lot. I can't believe he is going to be one in two months! This past year has gone by so fast, I wish there was a way I could slow it down! As for me I am ok, I am exhausted 99% of the time! I work nights at a nursing home as a CNA I do 12 hour shifts. It is exhausting work! Not to mention when you work at night (or at least this is how it is for me) you don't get much sleep during the day. My mom has been my life savor and watches Ben for me so I can get at least five hours of sleep before I have to go back to work. But I can't bug her all the time so some days I up for 32 hours before I get sleep! Like Monday for example I was up for 31 hours before I was able to get some sleep. I honestly don't know how much longer I am going to be able to physically do this. I keep praying and hoping that my husband will be able to find a better job so that I can stop working nights and just got to part time. I also just found out that I have been accepted into the a nursing program. So we can only hope and pray that my husband can find a better job soon because once I start nursing school I am not going to be able to work full time or nights anymore. I am pretty scared to be honest. I have wanted to be a nurse for a very long time, I know that if this is what God wants for me that I will be able to go to school and still be able to pay all of our bills. Well I think that has it for now, I will post again soon.